I'm a Believer  

EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2457 posts
11/19/2019 5:15 am
I'm a Believer


Will Continue, First Comment

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

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EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/19/2019 5:16 am

I Will Survive
Grace
Bad Bad Leroy Brown
The Logical Song
Hotel California
Stuck In the Middle with You

As a reminder, folks, one of my real life friends had been hitting on me during this time. Not only that, my sister was begging to come live with us. Truth? I wasn't so sure it was a good idea, but she was sounding more and more desperate by the day. I, still, wasn't “there”. Then, there was the fact that I unblocked the comedian on Facebook because I had every intention of talking with him about Andrew Yang.

PLUS, I downloaded an unknown program from a person I didn't know in real life into my phone, it was SUPPOSED to be a Virtual Private Network. Weeeeeellllll, it was more than that. Look, I know it was stupid, but not as foolish as the next thing I did. I can't even believe I did this shit. I did it with the best of intentions, but I'm fairly sure that it's what's caused most of my paranoia in the beginning of this process. So much paranoia that I walked away from family and friends and even instigated a fight between Logan0867 and I, eventually.

It started pretty innocently, actually. I “outed” myself, big time, on Fetlife. First things first, I was published. Not in anything big and and I didn't get paid for it, but it was a baby step in the right direction. I was really proud of the piece, too. Still am. In reality, they've published five articles I wrote. You can find them here: https://soulfully-connecting.com/?s=debbi+robert

The titles include both old and new pieces. The last work I sent them was met with high praise from the owners of the website. It's called: Addiction, and it was written right after my quasi step daughter gave birth. The daughter of a man I met here on Passion in the early 2000s. The man who I started my polyamory journey with; the one I was living with when I originally met Logan. His daughter, who is a lesbian.

I'm going to include it here and despite what the date on the website says, this was written in late July/early August

Addiction:

It’s difficult because the darkness, it clouds my eyes so often.
Many times I can’t see past the pain.
Many times I can’t feel past the hurt
I’m addicted to the pain
The pain of Love.
I chase the hi, the extraordinary hi of Love.
I’ve been chasing it my whole life.
I’ve never felt like I’m enough.
Never.
As a young padawan, I feel I was conditioned to want it, to need it.
by an evil man.
He corrupted my soul
he instilled a need in me, a void
An Emptiness
A pit of despair
A cavern
The darkness, it eats me up, piece by piece
If I don’t learn to strive for balance,
I’m going to be consumed by the fire of my burning need
Again
My Burning Need for Love
My Need to Be Accepted
it’s not fulfilling people.
it’s killing me, if I’m honest.
gosh this is so hard to write
I’m so scared
After my mother killed herself
The schism inside me may as well have been the Grand Mother Fucking Canyon.
Add that to my father’s death eight years Later
I love all hope
I lost it
I love all love
Lost it
Is it really all that weird, though?
To break into a million pieces when the people you are supposed to be able to trust are gone or hurt you so deeply?
I may as well be in space fuckers.
A black hole of need for love.
It’s gross
It, me, I sicken myself.
fuck
it is fucking difficult for me to be this vulnerable
I’m doing it because I feel I, You, We, Us, we all need HOPE
Hope that Love isn’t this painful
Reminders that Hope is One of the Greatest Joys in Life.
That little baby that was born to my ex’s padawan?
That little Baby is MY HOPE
Lort knows, that baby, to me, means the world.
She is the future.
She is the glorious representation of what REAL LOVE IS
LIFE
I’m Corrupt,
I’m Rotten
I wish there were a way to take away my past
To erase the fucking stupid ass bullshit I’ve done
The DumbAssFuckery
it terrifies me
I do know I’m not that person anymore
But, the Darkness, my evil Mistress, she calls me
too many times
To Numb the Pain, the Emptiness of being Alone.
I’ve grown so weary, so fucking tired of chasing Virtual Love
I want reality again
I want support from real people, not numbers on a screen.
I need love right now
I’m reaching out, I need hope
I can’t keep trying to lift others up while I’m killing myself slowly with the pain
it’s not fair, it’s not equitable and it’s not right.
to feel as though I’m not supported by people I care about so deeply?
That’s Where The Real Mother Fucking Bullshit Lies
I get that this is my issue and NO ONE HAS TO HELP ME.
But, I am asking for it.
Or, I will be in the coming months
While I write
While I try to recover
From MY ADDICTION TO LOVE
Again, not a requirement. I will still write.
I will still drag my ass through this journey
I need real Love, real Healing, real Hope
Words and numbers, my friends,
They are just that, to me, anymore
Words and numbers
See? I don’t think it’s ignorant, stoopid, or even ridiculous to believe War is No Longer Needed.
The Real Hope, the Real Love?
That Comes from Life

So, what stupid thing did I do?

It started on Facebook, where I thought I was talking to my cousin. I wasn't, but at that point, I didn't know I wasn't talking with her. She lives in New York, and I'm a weirdo who doesn't give her phone number out to many. So, in truth, most of my family doesn't even have my phone number. Some do, don't get your knickers in a twist. I am just plain not fond of texting or phone calls. I'd rather talk in person, sue me. Now, I'm getting better, I've started talking with Logan. I'm working on my aversion to da phone.

Anyhoo

She gave me a place to contact to get a grant. You know, because I wanted to start this Foundation to help people. Yeah, yeah, I contacted them. And, guess what else I did? I gave them my full name and social security number. All the details people, I gave them EVERYTHING. Ayup.

Le Sigh

I'm sure you can gather this is not a good idea. But, I have already done it, so there's really nothing left to do but tell you what the “fallout” has been, huh?

That will come out, later, when I feel like it.

Thank You for Reading

“I'm a Believer”

By

The Monkees

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all of my dreams
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
I thought love was more or less a giving thing
Seems the more I gave the less I got
What's the use in tryin'
All you get is pain?
When I needed sunshine, I got rain
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
Oh
Oh, love was out to get me
Now, that's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all of my dreams
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
Yes, I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Said, I'm a believer, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (I'm a believer)
Said, I'm a believer, yeah (I'm a believer)
I said, I'm a believer, yeah (I'm a believer)
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Neil Diamond

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

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PoppyCockUr 61M  
114 posts
11/19/2019 5:49 am


luvtits31000 46M
42 posts
11/19/2019 5:50 am

Wow


Paulxx001 62M
12928 posts
11/19/2019 6:57 am

Wow... a lot happening there. Good song. 👍😊

... what.s in a pencil... it.s how you write that counts...
Can you? Because... Only One In Ten Can Read This


johncumswu 49M
10 posts
11/19/2019 7:35 am

so t has...


Tantrik4Josh 31M
3 posts
11/19/2019 7:35 am

Wow, its a long song indeed


Logan0867 52M
176 posts
11/19/2019 12:51 pm

damn girl...glad we move passed it. Beautiful writing. *hugs* Happy Tuesday @!@


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:05 am

Thanks!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:06 am

I know, right?

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:07 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    Wow... a lot happening there. Good song. 👍😊
A lot more is happening, we still haven't left July, man.

I thought you may, it's more your teen years, I just remember because it's how I hold onto my parents most of all.

Happy Wednesday Paul

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:08 am

I'm not sure what you're saying here...

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:10 am

The Monkees song? I didn't think it was that long.

Or, were you speaking of "Addiction"?

I didn't write it as a song, more as a Poem

Though, I can see how to edit it into a duet using a artist and someone who sings more power ballads.

Happy Wednesday

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/20/2019 6:11 am

    Quoting Logan0867:
    damn girl...glad we move passed it. Beautiful writing. *hugs* Happy Tuesday @!@
I'm glad we moved past it too.

Happy Wednesday, now, babe!

Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


citizen4722 61M  
64391 posts
11/21/2019 3:39 pm

You clearly wanted to get that monkey off of your back


EnigmaInitiative 51F  
2598 posts
11/21/2019 4:49 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    You clearly wanted to get that monkey off of your back
I still have the monkey's family hanging around.

I'm getting them off my back, slowly. I did a lot this summer Citizen...a whole lot.



Secret Agent Rabbit Origin Story

The Origin Story has begun


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